By Laura Snyder
Human relationships, particularly the romantic ones, are so...complicated. Why not just avoid all the hassle - the vulnerability of putting your heart on the line, the risk of getting hurt, all the therapy bills - and just stay alone? Relationships are hard. Being lonely is easy. How to stay that way forever:
Flirtation Cessation
The males and females who cozy up to members of the opposite sex, almost always get the attention. Minding your own business will enhance your chances of avoiding chance encounters with anyone remotely attractive. When you do find yourself speaking to an attractive member of the opposite sex (gasp!), remember not to laugh at their jokes, not to make eye contact, and not to look at all interested in getting to know them.
Bed the Wedded
Dating someone who's already married to someone who isn't you is a time tested way to remain single and alone. Don't be alarmed if your little adulterer/ess makes promises to leave their spouse; it's their way of making sure you stick around. Still want added insurance that you'll never get coupled up for good? Revel in the glory days of your youth by looking up your long-lost (and now wedded) loves on Facebook.
Be Needy
Part One: Make your date promise to never, ever leave you (even if they're just trying to get to the bathroom). Leave dozens of consecutive messages on his or her answering machine. Insist on knowing where he or she is at all times.
Be Speedy
Part Two: Wherever you are on the dating-and-mating continuum, always act like you're a few notches ahead. Confess your love on a first date; speculate on what your future children will look like in the second, etc.
Idolize
Since intimacy means you love someone in spite of all their faults, a quick way to avoid such a fate is to deny your date has any faults at all. If you suspect your date is at all self-conscious about a particular feature, be sure to make that the object of your compliments.
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